Please Don’t Inject This Gloom Into My Head

With all due respect, I really, really don’t want to watch a film about George Clooney withering away from the plague condition known in certain circles as “Al Z. Heimer.

Ditto Annette Bening, playing Clooney’s wife who arranges, at Clooney’s earnest request, to send him off to the next world.

First, a Clooney-type guy would never be married to a woman who’s more or less his age. (He and Bening are both in their mid 60s.) A Clooney-type guy would have tied the knot with…I don’t know, some kind of slender, 20-years-younger, dark-haired, uptown fox.

Second, I might accept or find some way to tolerate Clooney arranging for Bening to buy the farm, but not the other way around…please! Bening has played several morose, beaten-up characters over the last couple of decades, but Clooney is too slender and vital…too much the bon vivant smoothie. He’s Jay Kelly!

Third and finally, this Paul Weitz project is obviously (dare I say nakedly ambitious?) awards bait.

I don’t want Clooney or Bening to die. I want them to…I don’t know, fall into an adventure of some kind. Drive down to Central America and then Venezuela out of boredom and maybe get involved in the drug trade for extra cash. Okay, I’ll accept an accidental death (eaten by a shark?) but no Keverkorian action.

Coarse Hit Job

Even the matinee-handsome JFK, arguably the most attractive Oval Office resident in U.S. history…even JFK was impressionistically presented as some kind of hulking Quasimodo figure for a 1962 Time magazine cover. The painter was Pietro Annigoni.

Anyone can look diminished or even grotesque if captured by the wrong painter or snapped from the wrong angle.

I’m certainly no Trumpalo admirer or defender but he’s obviously been torpedoed by Time’s photo editors. They wanted him to look like a balding, Porky Piggy, saggy-faced animal and they certainly achieved that result.

With all his dough Trump could have easily taken care of his neck wattle problem. My Esthe Plastika Prague guy could have fixed him right up.

News Bulletin: An Unexamined Life Is Not Worth Living

Consider a brief fencing match between HE commenter JHR (J.R. Ewing with an inserted middle initial) and The Living, Breathing Embodiment of Hollywood Elsewhere in this morning’s “Accepting But Mystified” thread, the subject being a friendly, gracious, middle-aged Connecticut woman having never even HEARD of Anora:

HE: “Anora-wise, there are many concentric circles of passion and interest and engagement. The innermost circle is being an Anora devotee who’s seen it two or three times and can even quote dialogue from it. The outermost ring is, at the very least, having heard of its existence and/or its multi-Oscar triumph. To have not even HEARD of 2024’s Best Picture winner is to have no pulse — you are a flatliner.

John Huston once famously said that all you need is a healthy sense of curiosity in order to live a well-educated life.”

JHR: “None of my friends (seniors, late 60s, retired college+ educated professionals with $) had ever heard of Anora when I pitched it to them, nor do they have any knowledge of the Oscars results.

“I had lunch with seven of them yesterday, I asked if anyone had been watching the MLB playoffs, and none of them had. They pay little attention to sports except for our big time college football team just down the road where most of us attended college.”

HE: “Seven of your senior chums got together for lunch? Seven? Isn’t that a bit crowded? A group of four is more like it, no? Seven is too conversationally competitive.

“Then again why not go bigger? Why not 10 or 12 having lunch at the same coffin-sized table? Hell, make it twenty! Twenty friends sharing a big luxurious lunch together. Think of all the shouting and guffawing…think of all the shrieking, raucous laughter and the tee-hee giggling!”

JHR: “What do my friends do with their leisure time? They read books, they have hobbies like golf, and they travel a lot — Europe, etc. Lifestyles most people would envy. I do all the above, too, but I am the only movie fan in my crowd, and I think that [Anora ignorance] is more common than you may understand, particularly when it comes to Oscar films.

“I can count on three fingers the number of my friends who are current on movies like me, out of a broader circle of about 40 lifelong friends.”

HE: “’40 friends’? That’s too many. Five’ll get you ten 30 or 35 of those 40 are fair-weather types.”

HE: “To live a life without a semi-active or semi-vibrant sense of curiosity is not living. Have your friends ever heard of Socrates? He was a Greek philosopher…oh, wait, have they ever heard of ancient Greece?

“In any event Socrates once wrote that ‘an unexamined life is not worth living.’ Maybe that’s too historical. Let’s try this…have your friends ever heard the expression ‘the lights are on but nobody’s home?’ Have they ever listened to the 1965 Zombies song ‘She’s Not There‘?”

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Accepting But Mystified

A few days ago I agreeably chatted with a nice, friendly, 50ish Connecticut woman about…well, not much but briefly about films.

She and her husband are hardly movie hounds, she confessed. They watch a lot of sports. “So no films at all?” I gently inquired. She said they’ve enjoyed streaming Tulsa King, the Sylvester Stallone / Paramount + series. (My interest in continuing our conversation dropped precipitously after she said this.)

I asked if she’s seen Anora, 2024’s Best Picture Oscar winner. She not only hasn’t seen Sean Baker’s edgy Russia-Brooklyn comedy, she told me, but before I pitched my question she’d never even heard of it. So much for the influence of the Academy Awards.

Repeating for posterity: Before her encounter with the living, breathing embodiment of Hollywood Elsewhere, this gracious, soft-spoken woman had never once HEARD of Anora.

She and her husband have, however, not only heard of but watched Edward Berger’s masterful Conclave, which is HE’s second most admired 2024 film (right after Anora). Alas, they zoned out and turned it off after an hour or so.

Whoa. I said “okay” to indicate that there’s nothing wrong or worrisome about not liking this or that film. But the silence that followed this admission — the silence between us, I mean — was deafening.

I was going to suggest that she and her husband might enjoy seeing Sentimental Value when it opens in November, but after considering their lack of rapport with Conclave I thought better of it.

Three Hits of “Dynamite”

Kathryn Bigelow and Noah Oppenheim‘s A House of Dynamite (Netflix), which opened theatrically last Friday (10.10) on select screens, will begin streaming on on Friday, 10.24, or ten days hence.

Has anyone taken the plunge? How about sharing some reactions? I reviewed it out of the Venice Film Festival on 9.3, or nearly six weeks ago

Remember the good old JFK days when it took a little while to attack the Soviet Union with nuclear weapons? If a rogue order to bomb the Russkis had been given by an unstable SAC base commander in the early ’60s, say, nuclear bombs would then be delivered by Air Force guys flying big-ass B-52s, and with “one geographical factor in common — they are all two hours from their targets inside Russia.”

President Merkin Muffley has two hours to try and stop this bonkers attack and thereby prevent the Doomsday Machine from going off? Man, that’s a really luxurious time frame to work with, certainly compared to the lousy 25 minutes that top-level strategists and officials (White House, government, military) have in Kathryn Bigelow‘s A House of Dynamite (Netflix, 10.10).

A bum 25 minutes to, like, do something about a North Korean or Chinese or possibly even a Russian nuclear missile heading toward the great city of Chicago? C’mon! Some people need 25 minutes just to take a dump and then wash their hands, brush their teeth and spray the bathroom with Febreze.

First of all, isn’t 25 minutes a bit too short, as in not enough dramatic breathing room? Wouldn’t it be schematically preferable if the missile’s travel time took 40 minutes instead? More time to think, consider options, fire back at Pyongyang, freak out, call loved ones, generate an immediate warning to Chicago-area smartphones, etc.

A 6.22.18 Business Insider report estimated that a nuke travelling from Pyongyang to Chicago might take 39 minutes and 30 seconds. Has that Armageddon clock really been cut by 50% over the last seven years?

The fact that Dynamite lasts 112 minutes may suggest to some that the essential suspense kicks in for only 25 or so, once, or roughly one-fifth of the running time….wrong.

Bigelow and screenwriter Noah Oppenheim‘s strategy is to wade into three versions of the same 20-minute countdown — different locales, different key characters, all wearing the usual clenched, super-grim expressions.

Now that I’m re-running the film in my head, I’m not precisely recalling how those three 25-minute sections add up to 112. I’d really like to watch it again with a stopwatch.

If Bigelow went with three 40-minute sequences, more situational stuff could happen. Little things, big things, eccentric whatevers. 20 minutes is just too crammed, man. Especially for the people of Chicago.

Unless I missed something (and it’s quite possible that I did), none of the Dynamite decision-makers give serious thought to the idea of instant-messaging the entire Chicago populace (not to mention the people of Illinois, Wisconsin and Indiana) and saying something like “hey, guys…not much time for anything, but you need to immediately find some local school with old-fashioned classrooms so you can can all put your heads under the desks…seriously, you have 25 minutes to confess your sins or fuck your boyfriend or girlfriend one last time or go to church and pray to the one and only God or order your favorite spicy hot dog or Subway salami andwich or tell your kids that you adore them or, you know, pop an Oxy or inject yourself with Vietnamese heroin.”

One of the basic Dynamite messages, by the way, is that this country’s “iron dome” defense system doesn’t work all that well, especially when the task is “htting a bullet with a bullet.”

Fair question #1: “Yeah, okay, it’s a tough nut to crack but if you can’t lick this technological challenge, then what good are you, Jimmy Dick?”

Fair question #2: If you were Oppenheim and creating A House of Dynamite on your Macbook Pro, would your instinct be to show Chicago being melted to death and/or blown into little shards with a super-gigantic mushroom cloud reaching so many miles high that even Cary Grant‘s Roger Thornill could see it from that Prairie Stop Highway 41 cornfield, which was….what, in southern Illinois or western Indiana?

Or would you figure “naaah, it’s more effective to hold back and prompt the audience to imagine the carnage instead?”

Cheers and congrats to all the Dynamite players, first and foremost Rebecca Ferguson (generally the coolest and most composed), followed by Idris Elba (irked and perplexed U.S. President), Gabriel Basso (second most disciplined), Jared Harris (unstable James Forrestal-like Defense Secretary), Tracy Letts (the General Buck Turgidson of this scenario, only older and without the laughs and no pistol-hot girlfriend), Anthony Ramos (hardcore team leader who vomits when push comes to shove), Moses Ingram, Jonah Hauer-King, Greta Lee (North Korean expert) and the great Jason Clarke

A House of Dynamite is not my idea of a game-changer in any kind of stylistic visual sense. It’s basically just a highly effective throttle-ride, very nicely shot by regular Bigelow dp Barry Ackroyd, and razor-cut like a motherfucker by Kirk Baxter.

What’s the default term? “A super-tense, nail-bitten thriller that Joe and Jane Popcorn will have a high old time with”…something like that But it won’t deliver the same charge on a 65-inch HD screen. It was great seeing it on the huge screen at the Sala Darsena. Everyone should be so lucky or priveleged.

Reverse “Swept Away” Meets “Misery”?

You can tell from the get-go that Sam Raimi and Damian Shannon‘s script for Send Help, a #MeToo feminist revenge drama, is on the pulpy and simplistic side.

To go by the trailer for this Raimi-directed film, sexist yuppie dickhead Bradley Preston (Dylan O’Brien) has been sketched with one basic color, making him into an acidic boor and a snothead. Obviously he’s going to suffer at the hands of co-worker Linda Little (Rachel McAdams), who quickly gains the upper hand after they make it to shore after their private plane crashes into the Pacific.

This morning a friend noted the obvious similarity to Lina Wertmuller‘s Swept Away, but Hollywood’s wokezoid mentality would never permit any sort of surprising or transformative relationship to develop between the two. (Imagine McAdams turning over on her stomach and purring “sodomize me” to O’Brien…right.)

This is clearly…okay, seemingly a boilerplate film for unsophisticated women — a “make the male asshole suffer for his sins” flick.

The friend then wondered if Send Help might be “Misery on a South Seas island” with McAdams as Kathy Bates and O’Brien as James Caan.

In my view, Raimi’s first fully mature and dramatically effective film was A Simple Plan (’98), a moralistic midwestern noir. He followed this up with For The Love of the Game (’99), a not-as-good sports drama that was nonetheless reasonably decent, and then came The Gift (’00).

But with the dawn of the 21st Century Raimi never even tried to operate in the naturalistic realm again. To be frank about it, Raimi pretty much committed creative suicide by selling his soul to the Marvel empire…Spider-Man (’02), Spider-Man 2 (’04), Spider-Man 3 (’07), Drag Me to Hell (09), the vaguely shitty Oz the Great and Powerful and, most recently, Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (’22).

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Anyone Who Says This Or That Movie “Changed My Life”

…is buying into a fairly silly or pretentious idea.

What exciting movies do to young, impressionable types is often a combination of three things. One, they turn on a light bulb. Two, they light a fuse and, if the impressionable youth is lucky, ignite a spiritual chain reaction. And three, they inject you with one of those “aha!” or “eureka!” realizations (i.e., “wow, really good films can reach deep inside and amount to much, much more than just entertainment”).

Okay, I’ll share a “changed my life” reaction to a film. The explosive, cannonlike sound of the six-shooters in Shane, which I saw on a sub-run, years-later basis at some kiddie matinee when I was nine or ten. I had never heard that kind of primal roar from any machine or device or living thing before. It shook my soul in a way that never quite left my system or even faded.

Model Veronica Webb in Hofler’s book:

I Am Sorta Kinda Max Von Mayerling

In Billy Wilder Sunset Boulevard (‘50), the regal, curiously old-world, organ-playing, stiff-necked Max von Mayerling (Eric Von Stroheim) is not just Norma Desmond’s chauffeur. He is also her ex-husband and a once-powerful Hollywood director.

In the 1920s and early ‘30s Stroheim himself was a major, auteur-level Hollywood director (Greed The Merry Widow, Queen Kelly), which is why the snickering, smart-assed Wilder cast him as Max — a “wink wink” meta thing.

Like Von Mayerling, Von Stroheim’s imperious manner, exacting standards and creative arrogance had led to his being elbowed out of the elite circles of Hollywood power before he was 50.

I was never a filmmaker, of course, but I was undeniably an influential and consequential industry reporter and freelance commentator, print-wise, in the ‘90s, and then I became a major columnist, opinion-monger and “Oscar whisperer” when Hollywood Elsewhere took flight in ‘04 until…oh, roughly ‘21 or thereabouts, which is when I was Twitter-torpedoed by the Stalinist wokezoids, and by the femmebot-trans contingent in particular.

I hadn’t “done” a damn thing — it was all about my not-woke-enough or anti-woke views and opinions.

The 2025 version of HE is just as perceptively snap-dragon and on-target and lusciously well-written as it was in my Clinton-Bush-Obama-early Trump heyday.

But supplemental-income-wise I have become, in a sense, a Max Von Mayerling variation, chauffeuring Fairfield County swells to the four NYC-area airports while radiating a certain worldly, “oh, I’ve been around and done a few little things in my time” mentality or attitude, although always with a wink and a smile.

On top of which after his fall from grace Max Von Mayerling wasn’t a well-read, Bhagavad Gita-fortified columnist who annually attended the major film festivals (Cannes, Telluride, Venice) by way of crowd-funding and the kindness of certain friends.

In a certain light I’ve sorta come full circle. The first really cool job I ever had was driving for Checker Cab in Boston (’70s), and all the while I was a secret genius.

Von Stroheim never accepted the humiliation of becoming his ex-wife’s chauffeur, but he certainly suffered an industry-mindset comedown in the ‘30s, ‘40s and ‘50s. He was only 72 when he died in 1957.

Antonioni, I Was Told By Italians, Is No Longer An Important Artist

Last night I watched Michelangelo Antonioni‘s Red Desert (’64) for the third time, partly because (a) Antonioni films always gain after repeated viewings and (b) despite having seen it twice in the mid teens I couldn’t recall how it ends and wanted to be firmly clear of mind in this regard.

Well, I watched all 120 minutes’ worth, and I still don’t know how it ends. It just kind of evaporates or trails off into enervation and despair.

I know that Richard Harris finally fucks the red-haired, no-day-at-the-beach Monica Vitti near the end, but with neither party finding much in the way of blissful satisfaction.

What’s great about this film is that the yellowish-gray renderings of massive industrial pollution are unrelentingly sullen, and yet nobody ever says “my God, the ugliness is so suffocating…so overwhelming and intravenous.”

On top of which I’ve been feeling a bit gloomy about Antonioni’s cultural status since my two-day stay at the spacious Milan apartment of Thea Scognamiglio and her gracious husband Francesco Battigelli, and particularly since attending a dinner party that they threw on Tuesday, 9.9, and listening to thoughts and feelings about Antonioni from their sophisticated, somewhat older friends.

Having revered Antonioni all my life, I asked these obviously bright, well-educated Milanese if his legendary status is as strong and secure today as it was in the ’60s. Not one of them said a damn thing of any passion or substance. None expressed the slightest enthusiasm for his films. Okay, one of them mentioned Zabriskie Point, passingly, but that was all. I was shocked at how blandly and unthinkingly they shared their lack of regard for the man, much less respect for his once-legendary output.

Clarification on HE’s Sole Takedown Campaign

HE is not really trying to effectuate a One Battle After Another takedown campaign.

Yesterday’s VistaVision carping aside, I’m simply saying that Paul Thomas Anderson‘s insurrectionist POC girlboss epic hasn’t a prayer of winning the Best Picture Oscar because winning in this category will, in the minds of Average Joe and Jane ticket buyers, permanently underline a notion that Hollywood is hopelessly aligned with the wokeazoid left.

OBAA could win in other categories (although not in the Best Actress race — Chase Infiniti has zero chance in this regard) and more power to it in this regard. PTA’s film is a very well-made, full-throttle, zing-zang achievement, and it certainly deserves respect as far as that goes.

HE is, of course, definitely trying to persuade as many people as possible that the second half of Sinners is low-rent, Samuel Z. Arkoff-level, drooling vampire bullshit, and is therefore undeserving of any Oscar wins. HE recognizes that many industry members are nonetheless persuaded that identity campaigns are a valid way to go, and so Ryan Coogler will probably end up being nominated for direction or screenplay but that’s all…nominations but no wins.